Personal

“I have your back if you just can’t”

honesty hour real quick guys. I’ve been off my meds for a few weeks now. my therapist, it wasn’t a good clinical relationship.he said things to me I don’t believe your clinician should ever say to you.

so I stopped seeing him and
therefore, stopped being able to refill my prescriptions. so I’m really volatile right now. falling back into bad habits, relapsing like a motherfucker, drinking to cope when I had essentially quit alcohol entirely. and now I’m thinking about how necessary a suicide watch might be. I’m going to paint you a picture of how my brain works right now. what it’s telling me is true, even though it may not be:

  1. I’m anxious about moving to Japan in the next couple weeks
  2. I’m worried about literally every aspect of leaving and don’t think I’m prepared mentally. I don’t think I’m stable enough to survive what will be an undoubtedly difficult experience.
  3. Because I’m “definitely not” mentally stable enough for this (according to my head), I’m tired for no reason, frustrated that I am this way and probably always will be, and emotional in the extreme.
  4. Because I can’t handle the frustration, I probably also can’t handle the day to day things that need doing. Probably. So why try? Paying bills, doing laundry, eating, etc. Why. Try.
  5. Because of all that, I obviously need a break. Just a little break.
  6. The easiest way to get a break from everyone and everything is—and I’m being blunt here—wrists and razors.

So, I’m choosing to put this down “on paper” because I think it’s important. And it honestly does help me to know others feel this way and have felt this way. and it’s been proven time and again that holding things in is toxic. I told my best friend and she put a lot of it into perspective.

  
So I’m going to sit here and cry for another 10 minutes, and then I’m going to go back into my office and paste on a smile. I’m still capable of that much and I’ve been at that point where even that isn’t doable. So, even now, at almost-rock-bottom, I’ve still got my small victories.

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2 thoughts on ““I have your back if you just can’t”

  1. Sending so many hugs and all the love your way, Candice. Love you. I know you’re going through a lot, and I’m here for you. I will always be here for you. You are stronger than you know. Every day is a show of that strength. ❤

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